How to be a Professional Victim

Ever wanted money, power, and fame? Want to get it with minimal to no effort on your part? Don't worry, there are plenty of ways to get these things without making waves in your industry or becoming a superstar. Free money and attention is just a click away online. Follow this guide and you will have all three in no-time.

Step 1: Become a protected class

A protected class is a class in society generally considered a victim. Females and non-whites (excluding non-Japanese Asians) are the most basic two protected classes. If you happen to be black, a woman, or both you are in the clear for this step. White males need a little bit more of a push to reach this class. Try and become (or pass yourself off as) gay, bisexual, or transexual.

Becoming a transexual is easily the best option. Due to so called "bathroom bills," the general part of society views you as a victim. Dressing in womens clothing is not hard, although some thought is required to pass yourself off as legitimate. Claim to have gotten inspiration from another famous transexual.

Many religions, such as Judaism or Islam can grant you the protected class status. Unfortunately, Judaism is rather hard to convert to correctly, therefor Islam may be a better option. As a Muslim the media will turn a blind eye to your scam, and try to find a white male "right wing terrorist" to blame instead. The main drawback is that Islam takes some devotion, though not as much as it may sound.

Step 2: Get targeted

There are many ways to get targeted online. The first way is to find a "vile" imageboard or forum, and attempt to convince them to dox and attack you. This could be difficult, a poor understanding of the culture could end up with responses such as "lurk moar faggot" or "not your personal army." Be persistent, never give up.

If you cannot get targeted through traditional means, you could always fake harassment on yourself. Ship packages containing knives and death threats to your own home, call your phone via google voice with harassing messages, and send yourself fake messages via twitter. Do not worry if someone points out that none of this is actually occurring, accuse them of "victim-blaming" instead.

Step 3: Contact the media

Now you need to sell your story to the media. Contact every major left wing media outlet with your "harrowing" story about your "harassment" that you only received for "being yourself." Leave out the nasty details of bringing it on yourself. Find anyone who can publish your story, even small media outlets. Bigger media outlets sometimes lift stories from local companies, be ready to work your way up. Make sure to add some type of inspiring twist to your list of events.

Step 4: Profit

Now that your name is out, you should consider profiting from your new-found fame. Exploit people's sorrow by opening up a paetron for you hobby. This can help you receive an extra cash-flow for things such as figurines or video-games. People don't particularly care what you do with their paetron money as long as you haven't promised a specific purpose.

Need to validate your point of view? Wallow in your fans. There are always white knights willing to care for you following your twitter or tumblr. Don't be afraid to use them as a crying rag, a political vehicle, or even as your own personal army. If you decide to use your white-knights, be sure to cry out in pain as you attack as to keep the image of a victim.

Want to run for local office, or even give a speech in front of the UN? Mobilize your whiteknights. Have them attack anything in your way as sexist, racist, or xenophobic. As an added bonus, when you have achieved your goal, talk about how "all odds were against you" or "how oppressed you were by [insert majority group here]." Always double down on your detractors from a position of power, and just remember, you "earned" this.

Posted on: 2017-07-21 18:16:57